NEW BOOK: The Upside of Your Dark Side: Why Being Your Whole Self – Not Just Your “Good” Self – Drives Success and Fulfillment

audio-book-upside of dark sideCan’t wait to read this book which is being released tomorrow!  I’m so grateful that Todd B. Kashdan and Robert Biswas-Diener wrote this book to help us remember the inherent value in NOT being happy all the time.

What we usually think of as “negative” emotions are actually powerful tools that we can harness to experience greater overall success, fulfillment and well-being.  Agile is about embracing all of the tools in our toolbox and that means we need to accept the dark side of good things….and strive to see the GOOD side of DARK things too.

The English language is notoriously dualistic – nearly every word we use has a good or bad connotation to it. It’s so hard to be unbiased or even to find “neutral” words to describe things like our own emotions.

Did you know that the english language has like 25 or 30 words for “negative” emotions and only like 8 or 10 for “positive”?

We call Anger, Fear, and Pain “negative” emotions but in reality, they are what make it possible for us to have long lives. Insects don’t have anger, fear or pain because they only live a few days or weeks – so they don’t need them in order to survive and flourish.


The Upside of Your Dark Side

I’m thrilled to include this book on my Resource List as I’m writing my book on Cultivating Agile Self-Leadership for people who don’t respond well to self-“control” : )  It also fits beautifully with the 8 Keystone Habits of Personal Agility.

How to Cultivate the Potential Gifts and Strengths of Emotional Intensity, ADHD, Creative Intensity and other Traits of Neurodiversity

Emotional “intensity” is one of the biological traits that contribute significantly to  inner conflict, stress and misunderstandings in relationships between people with different personality and cognitive processing styles.

Intensity is also a significant predictor that an individual may be especially vulnerable to PSTD, anxiety, depression, addiction, chronic stress, chronic disorganization, chronic illness and feelings of overwhelm. 

In “Intensity of Emotion Tied to Perception and Thinking” by Daniel Goleman, Michigan State University psychologist Robert Emmons explains that

“emotionally intense people seek variety, novelty, complexity. They have more varied goals in life, know more people in more different situations, and because they are doing so many different things, feel more conflict in their lives.”

”These conflicts can be a source of stress for the emotionally intense, and may explain why they report getting more minor illnesses, like colds and flus, than do less emotional people,” said Dr. Emmons.

“The new data are showing that what are considered discrete psychological disorders may, in fact, be simply Continue reading

Handling Emotional Overwhelm – the AgiliZen Way – ADHD Support Talk Radio

I appeared on ADHD Support Talk Radio, discussing the agile way of dealing with and preventing emotional overwhelm.


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Handling Emotional Overwhelm the Agile way -ADHD Support - Ariane Benefit, Life Coach NJ, NYC Highlights

  • The role of emotions in cultivating performance and productivity
  • Cultivating emotional resilience and intelligence is a high impact productivity strategy for everyone and particularly for creatives, HSP (Highly Sensitive People), ADHD, Gifted Adults, and other neurodiverse individuals.
  • How your personal metaphors affect your emotional life and how you handle conflict.
  • Common metaphors that affect what you perceive is normal, acceptable, or disordered.
  • The car and plane metaphors for different personality and productivity styles. Continue reading

Designing Stress Out of Your Holidays – the Agile Way

 

Designing Stress Out of Your Holidays
Presented October 18, 2012
Ariane Benefit is interviewed by Michelle Barone – a special event for the “Finding Your Way” Home Schooling Community 

Note: We talk a little about homeschooling in the beginning but then the rest of the class is relevant to everyone and particularly to parents of neurodiverse kids.  Hope you find something helpful in this for you! 

holiday-stress-adhd-coach-ariane-benefit

Highlights of Topics Covered

  • Hidden Sources of Holiday Stress
  • Dealing with Stress and Anxiety Triggers
  • Tips for simplifying gift-giving, card sending
  • Managing expectations
  • Setting boundaries gracefully
  • Designing disappointment out of the way we make plans
  • Helping ADHD, Asperger’s, Neurodiverse Kids reduce stress
  • Negotiating happy compromises to get the rewards of both being spontaneous and planning ahead

Would love to hear your favorite tips from this class – just post a comment below. Thank you!  

  • Which of these tips might you try this year?  
  • How are you reducing stress and simplifying your holidays this year?

ARTICLE: Get my  holiday organizing tips in writing!

20 Neat & Simple ways to Simplify Holiday Decorating,
Gift Giving, Card Sending, and Entertaining


  Listen & View the Slides below.  

 

Related Articles from my Neat & Simple Living Blog


  MORE RESOURCES YOU MIGHT LIKE

Organize Your Time: Agile Time Management™  Unconventional Strategies for Thriving in the Age of Perpetual Beta

Organize Your Time: Agile Time Management Strategies for Thriving in the Age of Perpetual Beta

 

5 Steps to Cultivating the Power of Habit with Agile Thinking Habits

 

Cultivating the power of habit is the ultimate productivity tool.  Learning how to shape your habits is like learning how to fly a plane — once you know how, you can go just about anywhere you want to go — much faster.   But first, you’ve got to learn how to fly the plane.

The thing about habits is they have different characteristics and ingredients.
 How you cultivate them requires understanding the features of the habit and using strategies and tools appropriate to that habit.  For example, habits range from simple to extremely complex. Some are easier to change than others.

Some habits are composed of many smaller habits and so can’t be changed all at once. Some were learned on purpose, most are learned by accident, without you even being aware you are learning them. Most habits can’t be learned on a time schedule. In fact, putting time pressure on yourself to learn them actually makes them harder to learn.  That old adage that it takes 21 days to establish a habit is actually a myth. Continue reading

Chronic Procrastination and Resistance: How we Learn to Procrastinate.

 How do we learn to procrastinate?

We are waging a cultural war against procrastination and inner resistance as if they were evil itself. I believe it is time to STOP the War and START negotiating a peace treaty with yourself.  Persistent patterns of procrastination are the outer manifestations or signposts of inner conflict and resistance.  

Procrastination is the result you get when one part of you is trying to get the rest of you to do something using tactics like: ordering, coercing, pressuring, tricking, or even bullying yourself to do it.

Resistance can only exist when there is some kind of pushing, pressure, or force trying to get you to do something you don’t want to do, or aren’t ready or willing to do at this time for some reason.    Continue reading

Wholehearted Living is also Agile Living – Dr. Brene Brown

Dr. Brené Brown is a researcher professor at the University of Houston, Graduate College of Social Work, where she has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, shame, courage, and whole-hearted living.

Clients often ask me if there is a book or resource for learning more about what I teach regarding self-acceptance, self-respect, self-acknowledgment and self-compassion. Dr. Brené Brown’s work is among the best resources available today.

Below are resources from Dr. Brené Brown I wholeheartedly recommend.

Continue reading

Intensity – What makes intensely creative, emotional and gifted adults like Steve Jobs prone to troubling relationship issues?

I was truly dismayed to see someone as influential and talented as Steven Johnson, author of the brilliant book  Where Good Ideas Come From: The Natural History of Innovation say this about Steve Jobs:

“But for all his obnoxiousness with his colleagues…, Jobs had a rich collaborative streak as well. He was enough of an egomaniac to think of himself as another John Lennon, but he was always looking for McCartneys to go along for the ride with him.”

SOURCE: http://www.stevenberlinjohnson.com/2011/10/thoughts-on-steve-jobs-the-book.html

To me, this is an example of the kind of socially accepted intolerance, bias, and disparaging name-calling that creative, emotionally intense and gifted adults (and children) frequently experience their entire lives. Even though Mr. Johnson is intending to show the “other” side of Steve Jobs complex personality, it doesn’t excuse his perpetuating the portrayal of Steve as an “obnoxious egomaniac.”   Those are some powerfully degrading and hurtful words for such a respected author to be using as though they were mere objective facts and not defamatory or derogatory character slurs. Continue reading

The Truth about Chronic Disorganization: What Causes It and How to Heal the Trauma of Lifelong Overwhelm and Frustration

Although I prefer the term “Lifelong Disorganization“, the established industry terms are “chronic disorganization” and “challenging disorganization” this is not intended to imply a medical condition, nor an “incurable” condition.

The intention of the terms are to distinguish an “ongoing pattern of disorganization” from the “short term situational disorganization” and clutter that is the normal result of grief, illness, having children, and other life events, transitions, and changes. That said, it is quite common for what started as “stituational disorganization” to evolve into “chronic” or “challenging disorganization.”

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What is Situationally Disorganized?

When life throws you a curveball, most of us tend to accumulate clutter and become rather disorganized for a while. It’s happens to everyone. We become ill, a family member becomes ill, we are assigned a project at work that requires a lot of travel, or has a ridiculous deadline. Our lives change. We move, get married, have kids, or start a new job. During times of transition, a certain amount of chaos, clutter and disorganization is natural. This is what we call “Situationally Disorganized”: Disorganization that is a normal side effect of a life situation.

What makes “Chronic Disorganization” different?

Continue reading